|
Can you believe I've been at this for a month and a half? I'm still nowhere near that whole "taking better care of myself" thing that's been encompassing my thoughts for a while. I think a huge detox is in order. Not a physical detox, I was in the ER all day on Friday, and aside from the source of the pain, my tests indicate I am otherwise healthy. Stress is a wonderfully confusing aspect of life, and I'm not particularly a fan of how my body is manifesting it right now; hence the whole I gotta take better care of myself thing. (Look, I did it without quotes, does that mean I'm going to start taking it seriously?)
|
|
|
|
Probably not, considering I wrote that and then nearly immediately got distracted and rotted for far longer than I'd like to admit. (Then got distracted again just now.)
|
|
I was honest with all of you last week when I disclosed that I was stoned and writing to you, so I think it's only fair that I'm honest with myself, right? I went on a whole rant about how we lie constantly. I know this because I am guilty.
|
|
|
|
It shouldn't be that hard, right? Plenty of people feed themselves three times a day and have a routine that is conducive to their goals. They have goals! People take themselves seriously, at least to an extent.
|
Meanwhile, I'm eating a string cheese and salami cigarettes at 10:50 Sunday night. (Well, I just got done eating it. You need two hands for a string cheese. Don't be a maniac.) I'm not complaining by any means, unless you're biting into your string cheese, I just wanna take better care of myself, damnit.
|
This world we live in makes it so easy to neglect your own well-being, and it's designed to be addictive. I'm broadly talking about social media, but specifically pointing out that it is all fabricated to be corrosive, even if it's not the intention of the content to be caustic. Why would I bother to do something challenging to satisfy my brain when I could just stare at a tiny screen and ruin my posture?
|
Big picture that I'm not doing a great job painting- it's time for me to remove myself from the equation again. Many years ago, I think over 10, yes, it must have been, because I don't think I was 21 yet, I deleted my active presence on Facebook. I remember being very disappointed in myself and the time I was investing in witnessing people who didn't hold significance to me enjoying their lives, rather than enjoying my own.
|
Now, this was a bold choice; this was a mainline of connection to a lot of people I met while on foreign exchange, and was, for all intents and purposes, the social media of the time. (I think it still is? Admittedly, I do have a Facebook, or rather, a shell of one, that I use for Marketplace.) I think I actually used it, too, posting statuses and all that. I downloaded all my content before doing the big delete, so I know there's plenty of bullshit I shared for no reason.
|
When I think about my interaction with Instagram now, seeing as its the only formal social media I actively consume, it's not really a mainline of connection- other than the sending of memes, but that's a result of far too many HOURS spent fine tuning the algorithm so I could connect in a way that didn't really exist not too long ago? Definitely not a mainline. What makes me hang onto this then? Is it my reluctance to admit that some things aren't for everyone, and that I am included in everyone? This would be a strange occurrence considering I'm over 3 years sober, well, mostly, I will have a small glass of wine or sips of a cocktail if I am in the company of people I trust. I have clearly displayed an ability to quit things that are no longer serving me, and the jury is out as to whether or not I can keep up this more positive interaction with alcohol. (Let's have a moment where I give myself a pat on the back and nod to the relationships I have left behind and other difficult choices I have made. Again, not everything is for everyone, so I am by no means pushing for or against sobriety, but rather I desire for everyone [including myself, also is this use of brackets correct?] to live their truth.) I'm out of breath just trying to read that to myself in my head.
|
Brass tacks, I'm having a hard time taking care of myself, and I have formerly blamed society for designing things meant to grab my attention and then allowing my attention to be grabbed and, subsequently, get me addicted in a way that is very difficult to quit, even though I recognize how awful it is for me, specifically. Again, out of breath reading that one.
|
Perfect example, I just picked up my phone and instinctively opened Instagram, asked myself what I was doing, closed it, and put my phone back down.
|
What's after brass tacks? I don't think I got all the way to my point with that statement previously. It's my fault, that's what I'm getting at, I have plenty of excuses and external parties that I could, can, and have blamed, but it's me! I don't enjoy that my brain has a hard time staying focused, and sure, the late ADHD diagnosis would be an easy crutch, but my bitchass used to fall asleep reading books as a kid; now I can hardly read an article without my mind wandering off.
|
Taking better care of myself also means learning how to give myself the tools to figure out how to take care of myself in a way that doesn't feel like work. Even these e-mails, an idea that I conjured out of thin air, feel like work, even though I think it's a super cool thing that I'm doing. (It's cool all the time, except when I have to do it, does that make sense?)
|
Yes, I am going to miss the convenience of sending a reel and the rush of witnessing all of my long-distance friends enjoying their lives, but I'm far too susceptible to the rest of the nonsense out there. I can't be good for y'all if I'm not good for me first.
|
|
Anyway, I think this is decently long enough. If you want to complain, well, that's cute that you think I would care.
|
|
|
|
|
|