Apparently, your ass was in Taurus for the past 7 or so years, and that affected me since I was born in early August. woo. woo. shit.
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Honestly, I'll take it though. I love a good excuse. Who doesn't? It is human to shift the blame. It is even more human to err. (Not deliberately backwards referencing a book title) However! Excuses are flimsy at best, and I know from experience that when flimsy breaks, it's almost always an inconvenient surprise.
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I've been confronted with the idea of excuses lately. See, since March of 2024, my body has been doing (new) weird things. It started with constant night sweats. I would wake up clammy with sweat that just stunk as if I was stressed all night long. Doctor checked my thyroid, and since I am a woman, chalked it up to stress. After some time, I accepted this, as I was in a big state of stress, but weird things kept happening. I sweat when I'm cold and shiver when I'm hot. I've experienced migraines since I was 14, and over time, they've gotten worse and worse. Some days I wake up, and I'm overwhelmingly aware of how heavy my bones are. Some days, I chalk that up to a clearly fictitious idea that gravity was just holding me extra close. For a little over 2 years now, I've been trying to figure out why my normal didn't feel normal. Why sometimes my skin feels like it's being poked by thousands of hot needles, from the inside. Why sometimes my ribs seem to overlap and then snap back into place. Why I snap, crackle, and pop while fidgeting about. Why I never seem to actually be comfortable or relaxed. Insert a clinical diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.
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This explained everything, confirmed suspicions, and as empowering as it felt to have some degree of recognition.. it somehow feels like an excuse. See, EDS is a genetic connective tissue disorder; connective tissue is EVERYWHERE in your body. Mine doesn't quite work as well as a "normal" body's. Yet for whatever reason, I feel like this has turned into an excuse. Not an excuse to use, but an excuse to excuse. To excuse the neglect of my relationship with my body. Which is frustrating to say the least, considering even on the days I do my best to take care of my body, I still sometimes feel like shit. Why bother?
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Anyway, I feel like I am now being forced to reintroduce my self to my body, learn how the two get along best, and figure out how to move my body in a way that causes the least deterioration. It always seems to be something; never a dull moment.
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I'll admit I am a bit excited. I liked having noticeable muscles, and I'm curious as to how this process will go, knowing that this time I have explicit intention. The hardest part is still ahead of me, though, starting. Something else I seem to have a hard time with, mostly because as I get older, I realize that there really isn't any finishing of anything. I thrive with completeable tasks, now, realizing that is a facade, is pretty earth shattering. I'm supposed to do things just for the hell of it? To enjoy it? Not to complete it, but rather just to have done it? UNACCEPTABLE.
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Yet, that's exactly what I've been doing here for the past 38 weeks now. Clearly, I can start things that have no certain path to completion. Even more so, I can obviously keep up with an arbitrary thing that has no purpose, because each week I do what I think is my best job at writing some ramble. Admittedly, my best fluctuates, and I should give myself this same grace when it comes to the reintroduction into the somatic realm that is not yoga, since I don't need to stretch, I need to strengthen & stabilize. Give my body some grace on the days that I just hurt. It's silly to continue thinking that "oh, this isn't normal" and instead just accept that I am in pain, and that's what's not normal.
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I'm not sure what catharsis I was after. Often catharsis feels like finding another loop of dominoes, and then sitting there, inside the loop, wondering how the fuck they're getting stood back up by the time the loop loops around. It's tiring. Setting up dominoes right after they fall, I mean- life. Life is tiring. Maybe instead of fighting how tiring it is, it would be beneficial to prioritize things that are worth being tired for.
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There, that's something that I might call profound if I didn't think profound was a word to use to describe something that you didn't have a direct hand in. Gnaw on that for a while, ponder about it while you needlessly force your way through something. Change your perspective. Talk some shit. I literally don't know, but I think I could safely advise you to, at the very least, keep things interesting, if not for a stranger, for yourself.
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Oh & a special Happy Birthday to my younger sister, whose birthday just so happened to fall on a Monday.
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What's this about donating? It's for Family Resources of the Quad Cities. Now through the end of April, which is sexual assault awareness month, this button will be here. No pressure, I can't afford to donate right now, which is why this is here; I wanted to show support in a way that was feasible for me.
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