.........good afternoon, reader :)
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I absolutely did not forget about you, I just had hopes of waking up earlier to write this so it could still go out on time; but its Monday morning and I'm unemployed so I am in my robe on the toilet writing this little intro to either grab your attention or gross you out until next week.
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I haven't really been "here" lately, physically, yes, mentally, well yes? I've been more inside my head than present with the world around me. I have no clue why the sun decides to be a damsel in distress and needs saving, but the ample darkness right now has taken a huge toll on me.
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I remember the first year I lived in California, I moved in early June 2021, had a miserable first couple months, huge traumatic event just before Thanksgiving, and ended up in a new apartment, alone, by February 2022. The SADs didn't hit until I had started establishing safety, and of course, another traumatic event mid February, and yet another in April. Followed by a long summer of finding myself, making mistakes, memories, and friends, and ultimately, decided to get sober on August 9, 2022.
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The following three years and some change have been interesting to say the least, but unfortunately kicking the booze didn't solve all my problems, or really any of them, it just took off the filter that was lying to me and making my problems seem more like inconveniences than responsibility.
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Thinking back farther into my past, I recall the strong desire to "hibernate" in the winter, so this "inconvenient problem" has existed longer than my sober consciousness of unrelenting recognition.
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All this to say, please don't worry if the emails are a little late, I know well before you do if that's going to be the case, and often times its crippling. Just now I thought to myself "what are you even writing about, other than some weird half story about enough bad shit happened to me that I got sober. Who wants to read about that? These people came from your instagram, where the attention came from a picture and not the words that try to paint one."
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I'm shaking off the awful feeling of "is this email too short?" and ending this one here. I hope you all have been able to cope with the stolen sunshine.
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