Clocked in at 9:22 pm Sunday. I pondered a bit today, as I do most days, but today with a decent deliberation about what to write this week. Lately, I've been back on my emotional rollercoaster shit, which I'm sure is entertaining for some. For me, it seems whiny and undeserving of recognition. That's just it, though- all our emotions deserve recognition. We're all allowed to feel our feelings.
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So don't mind me while I feel my feelings out loud sometimes. In fact, you're welcome to the display of vulnerability; maybe it will inspire you. Maybe you're done with this newsletter already.
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A theme I've been coming back to in my thought realm as of late is the idea of stealing from a future version of yourself. Burdening them. Making future circumstances more difficult. All due to a decision or a series of them. A bad habit, routine, ritual, addiction, whatever you want to call it. Before we get too far, I do think it is important to acknowledge that the opposite is also true: you can give to your future self, aiding them, making life easier as it goes. Unfortunately for me, I was convinced at a young age that I wasn't going to see 30, something about palm reading and my life line being broken, finding comfort in the opening line of Factory Girl (the 2006 movie about Edie Sedgewick). iykyk. Joke's on me, I'll be 33 this year. Looking forward to it, in fact. Aging seems pretty cool in my opinion. I get to have thoughts about how my past self burdened me, and the guilt I'm gifting to a future version. See, previous versions of myself didn't think too much about me. Not out of blatant inconsideration, she was oblivious and having a time. Life is weird like that; it feels remiss to worry about the future because it is not promised. Then you get to a point in your life where you're either grateful or disappointed, likely a mix of both, in your past self, and start to ponder. Personally, I eventually get to a point in these spiraling thoughts about thoughts where I note that this is my 30's, and I imagine the thoughts I'll be having later in life, after these have stewed for (hopefully) decades. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Aging seems cool, but fuck is it overwhelming.
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I've also been facing a harsh reality with my attention span, and fuck, that's overwhelming, too. I had a few minutes left of a phase of a project, literally less than a handful of minutes left that I needed to lock in and do a SIMPLE TASK. Tell me why it was the most infuriating thing I've done in a while. I guess I can be grateful for that aspect, but wow. I guess that's just another one of those things I should be more proactive about, you know, for my future self's sake. ugh. She's so needy, it's ridiculous.
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Here's a thought: maybe I should treat myself like a farm animal. I really enjoyed waking up early to put on my boots and big jeans and go do farm shit. Sure, the farm was only once or twice a week regularly, and taking care of myself is a daily chore, but still. I should be more motivated, right? I think this is some deep, dark self-worth bullshit that I probably shouldn't get into here, but that's why I go to therapy weekly. Well, that's not the only reason.
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That took a turn, mentions farm chores I was fond of, and ends up getting existential thoughts. Its a trend lately, I'm already told you! I think it's this time of year. March and April have contained some personally wonky events for me since 2022. There is the idea that our bodies keep a score; they remember patterns and cues and react accordingly as a means of protection. This go, I'm trying to be a little more present with how I'm feeling, letting the thoughts go where they go, facing the things that I'm trying to protect myself from subconsciously, and hopefully, eventually, get unstuck. That's the goal, right? Better habits, routines, rituals, addictions; gifts to my future self, even if one of them is guilt. Y'allready know I'm on some woo woo shit sometimes, leave it be. I don't think it's hurting anyone, so if it's healing for me, well fuck right off.
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See how I made that go full circle, in my own silly way. Circling back to something I said at the beginning of a quick little ramble. I hope you're well. I hope there is hope for this country, this world, this experience of life we're all having coincidentally. This took me a little under an hour; it's 10:08 pm. I was tempted to give another little section a go, but I've got a few things to get to yet this evening, so happy Monday.
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What's this about donating? It's for Family Resources of the Quad Cities. Now through the end of April, which is sexual assault awareness month, this button will be here. No pressure, I can't afford to donate right now, which is why this is here; I wanted to show support in a way that was feasible for me. If you're a Quad Citizen, I encourage you to go to the pop-up market on April 18 at the Rock Island Bent River. A long-time friend of mine has put together the event, and it would mean a lot to a lot of people for it to be successful.
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