Prior preparation prevents (piss) poor performance.
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I dated a guy when I was 20 who said that often. I didn't listen.
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As some of you might have been able to guess, because I tend not to try and hide it so well here, but I'm not doing okay.
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So not okay that I'm writing on a Saturday because I'm not entirely sure how much I will have to give tomorrow, mainly because I don't know that I have much to give most days.
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I'm still trying, even though Yoda says there is no try; do or do not. (meta Yoda joke because I Yoda'd the quote) I said to a friend earlier in the day that I wish I liked myself more, so I would actually get up and do things. I hate going through these seasons of my life. It's uncomfortable being this existential and knowing that I'm not special; life sucks for everyone, but I just don't understand why yet.
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When I was in my last year in college (Fall 2024 to be specific), I was taking a Philosophy class, and during a group project, my groupmates asked me if I had any wisdom to offer. This made me giggle a little bit because, although I was 10 years older than some of my classmates, I still saw them as brilliant. My wisdom was just what I said in the paragraph above... "you will know things well before you understand them."
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I'm not saying sorry for not being okay today. I'm kind of to the point where I don't see the point in apologizing. Why continue to ask people to excuse or dismiss something that is wholly my responsibility? I have plenty of excuses and reasons, but they're all invalid. I could blame my upbringing, the neglect, the unwillingness to understand me, and the sheer disregard that was held for me at such a young age. Let's generalize it a little bit and attempt to blame the 90's, that's what it was like. It wasn't neglect, it was freedom, it wasn't an unwillingness to understand but an opportunity for me to figure out who I was, and I definitely was not disregarded entirely. Although... my mom only signed up for my newsletter after I stopped talking to her. This was a result of her insisting that, "This is something we are not gonna agree on and we should probably not discuss it." A direct quote from a text she sent after I hung up on her. (I know you're curious about what she doesn't think we should discuss, so I'll give you enough context to draw your own [hopefully correct, I hate being misunderstood] conclusions. Politics. Mid January 2026. Brrrr its cold in Minnesota, and people are dying...) Again, not blaming my mother, because if we really wanted to go there, I might mention that my biological dad knows absolutely nothing about who I am, and how that sometimes still stings even though he's never been a part of my life. I'm accepting and advertising that it's my responsibility to correct and decide how I want to show up, and that I don't need to apologize for it.
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HOWEVER, it is one thing not to feel safe as a child and normalize it because that's all you ever knew, it's another thing to continue to stay in situations that don't feel safe long after I understood. It sucks. I wasn't a spoiled brat, but I was told that I was every time I was trying to advocate for myself through my jumbled feelings that no one told me were okay. I couldn't stop crying, not because I "didn't learn that in school" (my favorite retort through snot bubbles), but because I wasn't being heard and didn't know how to communicate those same jumbled emotions. Part of not being okay is letting yourself not be okay, and just sitting with that feeling. My therapist has been pissing me off the past couple of weeks, not on purpose, I'm sure, but professional help is hard when you don't know how to accept any help. I think the last two sessions I've sat curled up in a ball, making excuses for myself, and then being told that I have cognitive dissonance. No. Shit. It's weird when a hired stranger cares about your well-being and genuinely wants to help you become a better version. Does this make me a sugar mama by proxy of my insurance?
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I'm 33 in 120 days (from the day of writing, if you're doing the math, I'll make it easy- August 9th), and I still feel like that scared little girl, but now it's on me to remind myself that I'm not spoiled; I've never been. There are 5-month-olds out there getting maximum yearly gifts from everyone in their family, and I've got zero savings, just debt. (The maximum yearly gift I'm talking about is $19,000.)
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This world is not fair, and my willingness to have the gall to share a vulnerable, calculated glimpse of my life with you this week is simply a reminder that everyone is always going through something. You can show up, day after day, week after week, and still be struggling. You can know that your patterns were set before you could decide for yourself, and understand that doesn't make it anyone's responsibility but your own to break and rewrite any patterns that aren't serving you. You can not be okay and still try to inspire and uplift others.
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I'm not okay, but I am hopeful. I'm hopeful to share big, exciting, happy news with all of you when I have it. I'm hopeful that maybe someday I won't constantly smell like cortisol sweat. I know that none of this is permanent, I'm still struggling with understanding how to make a permanent change, though.
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As always, I hope you found some enjoyment in this. Maybe you connected to something, maybe I pissed you off, if nothing else, you read something written by a person, for people. No goal, no purpose, just something I thought to do from the place of my sadness. I've burnt all my old journals that logged my lived truths, truths I didn't want to belong to me anymore. This is the internet, though, which means it's here... forever.
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What's this about donating? It's for Family Resources of the Quad Cities. Now through the end of April, which is sexual assault awareness month, this button will be here. No pressure, I can't afford to donate right now, which is why this is here; I wanted to show support in a way that was feasible for me. If you're a Quad Citizen, I encourage you to go to the pop-up market on April 18 at the Rock Island Bent River. A long-time friend of mine has put together the event, and it would mean a lot to a lot of people for it to be successful.
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